i recover out loud because i nearly died in silence.

For the longest time of my life, I didn’t know what was wrong with me.

I inhaled desperation, fear and anger… and exhaled adjustment, guilt and shame.

“I’m not bad,” Jessica Rabbit once said. “I’m just drawn that way.”
(from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)

People pick up on your weirdness, you know - they know that something’s “off” with you, no matter how much you try to hide it.

Maybe they won’t notice right away, because I’ve learned to mask my way through life and I’m very skilled at adjusting to my opposite:
“You like my personality? Oh good, I’ve created it just for you!”

But eventually, the longer they look, the more cracks they’ll notice - the badly drawn lines, the glued together patchwork of your fragile self.

The thing is - I’ve always known myself that “something” is “off” with me.
I’ve been searching for answers everywhere, mostly in books, movies, tv-shows, museums, records and at concerts.

Sometimes, I’ve found a straw to hold on to - fictional worlds I’ve been drawn to, lyrics that seemed to speak to me, melodies aligned to the sound of that lost, ravenous soul somewhere deep down.

But most of the time, I’ve struggled to keep afloat.
And every day, it cost me everything to keep that demon from ripping its way to the surface.

Like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face that watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is here in me
Right underneath my skin

(from Linkin Park’s “Papercut”)

It almost won. A few times.
Dying felt like the only option to stop that incurable pain, the endless search for answers, that horribly slow murder from the inside.

Spoiler:
I’m still here.

And I don’t intend to go anywhere before death decides to take me voluntarily.

Because I’ve found answers - and something even better:
I’ve found understanding and acceptance.

And guess fucking what?
I like that something’s “off” with me - because it allows me to feel with every fiber of my being, it allows me to break out of whatever box society tries to stuff me into… and it allows me to create.

So… thank you - from the bottom of my overstuffed heart and neurospicy soul - for joining me on here!

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
To get through this thing called "life"

(from Prince’s “Let’s Go Crazy”)

You know what I love so much about this line?
The feeling of togetherness, despite our differences - the awareness that we all share this “thing called life”… so let’s go crazy with it!

…and I mean, in this case quite literally, if you decide to stick around here with me - your friendly neighborhood BPD baddie <3